Types of People Who Camp out for iPhones

After sitting at home perusing Craigslist all summer, the idea of copping some rays outside an Apple store doesn’t sound too bad. Besides, the “Lawn Chair Outside Apple Store” Instagram pic is always good for a few likes.

This type gets in line five hours early then spends the whole time berating the “ridiculous line” while saying how they “honestly, don’t really care haha” that people are mad they’re smoking. When kids at art school ask to see the iPhone that came out mere hours earlier, they roll their eyes saying “it’s just a phone.”

For Apple nerds, Christmas comes in September. On this jolly holiday, the ghost of Steve Jobs delivers a slightly different telephone than the one they already have. In return they offer milk and $600.

Drunk-Guy Ted’s Logic: “Tight this must be the line for breakfast and a ride home.” Ted was out all night with his “boys” but got separated when they wanted to go to another bar and he wanted to chase bicycles.

It’s impossible for your mom to show others neat iPhone features such as the “digital camera, “and “text messaging” if she doesn’t have the device itself.

Greg Packer likes being in the front of lines. He was first to sign the condolence book for Princess Diana, he was first in line for the inauguration of George Bush, and was the first to buy the original iPhone.

The scum of the limited merchandise industry. The ingrates that drive up prices for the rest of us. The lowlifes that are doing exactly what we’d do if we weren’t so lazy.

You don’t love the iPhone, Asian people love the iPhone. I know because of my meticulous research of cultural stereotypes, and this picture.

See the guy in the thousand dollar suit and slicked back hair that’s telling people to quiet down? He can’t show his face at the bank he works at without the new iPhone. This is because he told everyone in the office that he’s a “brand ambassador” so Apple had shipped him a free one the night before.

“All the kids really love Apple, it must be like this every morning around 7AM. Well, better wait it out, already came this far and there’s no use coming back tomorrow morning if it’s just gonna be the same.”